It's like God shit irony all over that family
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
