she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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