Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
