Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
