Princesses don't give blow jobs
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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