Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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