he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Oh god it's open bar.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
