when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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