dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
