It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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