I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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