Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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