wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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