I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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