I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
