You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
