If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
