The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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