We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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