I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
