Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
