Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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