: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize