Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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