I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
