trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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