Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
