Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize