The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
