Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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