i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
