In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
