I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
