Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
