nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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