the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
