Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
