I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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