Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
