her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
