The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
