I'm going to jail i love you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
