No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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