We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
