dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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