i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize