I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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