apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
