when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
