last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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