I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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