I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize