You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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