my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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