I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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