dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
