I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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