Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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